As Suzanne Evans likes to say, “The Way You Do Anything is the Way You do Everything.”   Well, CHAOS seems to be my specialty even though CLARITY has been my Mantra for 2015. So hard to turn those DUELING THOUGHTS around into a positive thinking pattern to re-position my “seemingly” unsatisfying dilemma.  It doesn’t matter how many times I clean up the piles. I can’t find anything. Time wasted, frustration. Email and phone clutter. The endless monkey chatter of “Why Me? I must be doing something wrong. I’m missing the technology genius button of tidy efficiency.

Seriously, don’t get me started.

I have always been the person who works on her taxes the night before the appt with the accountant. Why? Because I won’t remember how I got to the numbers if I put a lot of days in between. It seems like I arrive late to shows, have to set up in the wee hours of the morning, am exhausted, can’t seem leave the house in time (by that I mean I want to leave at 8am or 9am and can’t get out of house until 1 or 2pm). I my prep to clean my house for the pet sitter which entails, vacuuming, swiffering the floors and cleaning the bathroom, preparing food for the bird, changing the sheets, doing the laundry, cleaning up the ubiquitous piles of fabric and card-making materials occupy the dining room table and surrounding floor – all of which really takes a good 4 hours to leave the apartment in decent-enough shape for the guest and will return me to a clean house when I return. Also, I prepare my breakfast and lunch, get a latte & go to the bank. The car is always packed with stuff. I feel suffocated and boxed in with my own life. I feel I can only breathe at the beach.

I was recently at Costco and scanned the book table. I picked up the Feng Shui book by Mari Kondo which has sold 3 million copies about the magic of Tidying up. Her main point being only keep things that bring you Joy. Kind of like Tithing. To me, Tithing should only prompt giving to another person who inspires/moves you to action or brings you joy. Not just because you ”should” give someone money. I started reading it and started to purge. Get rid of stuff. The bags of things to shred. The bird paraphernalia I no longer need and want to take the to bird vet since Hightop died, the iPhone covers I have on ebay that have not sold, the furniture and crap in my mom’s garage that I would love to sell in a garage sale but haven’t been able to put together a weekend to do that because it has been so darn hot. The piles of paper that just won’t go away. The things on my desktop I am continually working on.

I want to be neat and tidy. I know that it feels calm to be in a house empty of piles. Whenever I’m stressed out I empty the trash for a quick pick-me-up. Order reigns. My ex-business partner Abra does not have piles in her house E-VER!  If she comes to your house she will start to clean out your drawers.
Someone’s sense of chaos is unbearable to her.

I need to purge and be open to giving things away. I wanted to sell them because I could use the money for shows and paying down debt. Should I just give them away? Will my generosity bring me something in return? Or should I never expect something in return? Do things that bring you joy without an expectation of getting something in return or “What’s in it for me? “ That’s what Wayne Dyer says.

Some of the things I have are valuable so I have been “holding out” to try to sell them. I see that by “Holding on to them”, my arms are too encumbered to receive anything. Will the universe bring that opportunity to me? Or should I take a tax deduction? Answers to the burning questions my mind continues to roll around all night an all day.

It feels like I have past life regressions. Or Past Life Regrets. Or Past Life remembrances. Moving forward with clarity, not chaos. Not doubting every decision as wrong, misguided or stupid. Embracing all the decisions I made and seeing them as PERFECT choices at the time. Chaos-corrected, perfectly orchestrated. Will that restore my regret of past –mistakes? Why can’t I just be content with every decision I ever made was “PERFECT” during the time it was made? I torture myself and there is nothing to be done to fix anything. REALLY? I know that totally but can’t help myself . Hard to be kind to yourself when you are second-guessing everything.

Will clarity reign? Stay tuned for the next episode of “Chaos or Clarity” –a Curmudgeon Conundrum. Until then….Wishing YOU a Perfectly, Purged Life.

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