E-VENTUAL HARMONY
Another Inconvenient Truth
A Pandemic Love Story
By Elisa R. Goodman
April 5, 2020
Last week I started to wonder what will eventually happen to the “single” culture of future dating – in the current landscape of social distancing. I was listening to a podcast last week where someone mentioned a book I had heard about but had forgotten – so I decided to download it from Audible.
CALLING in the ONE – Seven Weeks to Attract the Love of Your Life became a best-selling classic and love self-correction course by Katherine Woodward Thomas in 2004 – which has changed the game for many looking to “call in” their future soul-mates. I started listening but found I was not in the mood. I wasn’t feeling it. Was it apathy? Did I really want to meet someone? Was it just too much work? Sharing toilet paper supplies and precious resources? Like Elaine Benesch in “Seinfeld” – was that eventual someone really going to be “sponge-worthy?”
For those who do want to try Calling in the One, a grim question to ponder is: Will we be around in seven weeks to actually finish the course? Will we have become so isolated and contact-averse-germ-phobic freaks who will no longer be able to confidently resume hand-holding, kissing, food-sharing, bed and body fluid sharing – who will insist and demand Covid-19 test results be shared as a prerequisite to meeting for coffee – assuming coffee shops are still around? Forget STD testing. At least they have penicillin or something else if you were to contact one of those. STD’s may be an inconvenient consequence resulting in itchy or burning symptoms – but, hey…you’ve got this – no longer a biggie. I’ve never seen so many commercials for those who have contacted HIV and can use a once-daily pill to keep their symptoms basically under the radar. But the Covid-19 Virus…THIS is a real game-changer. These are personal high-stakes consideration. Life, Love and the pursuit of Safety. Will we turn into Gestapo Guards? “Let me see your papers!” Will people forge their results? Will your first date be on a Zoom conference? It’s a travesty that the beloved playwright, Terrence McNally, lost his life over this in the last week. He would have been able to put pen-to-paper to craft a new play to make sense of this. Love. Valor. Compassion: One Last Breath.
Conversely, if you lean towards positive thinking, you can creatively use this time to work on yourself – preparing yourself during this statewide mandatory isolation so you can emerge as a fresh and invigorated version of yourself – albeit shaggy and un-groomed for the foreseeable future. As always, it’s about your perspective.
So here’s a stab at crafting a new, futuristic dating profile for Calling in the One. Or create your own version of MAD LIBS. (Mastering Apocolypic Disorder. Liberated from Isolation and now Becoming Sexy).
Did you ever wonder what the “E” stood for in E-Harmony?
My guess the “E” will now stand for Emergency. Epidemic. E-pocalyptic. Ebola.
Maybe the “E” is for “E.T”. Emergency Testing for Eventual Harmony.
Sounds so futuristic. Just don’t give up. A Match is out there.
Potential Intro Bio:
Hi – I wanted to introduce myself in the age of social distancing. I’m a _______________(fill in the blank) who might be looking for someone to have fun with virtually – who enjoys having spiritual discussions about the meaning of a life well-lived – while being completely overwhelmed by what is happening in the world. Someone who sees the humor and absurdity in life – but can still find something positive in-between the daily disaster briefings and the global death counts which continue to rise.
Someone who understands that the world is having a spiritual crisis of meaning for a collective reason – in order for everyone to understand what needs to shift globally to heal the world.
Non-negotiable _______________(fill in the blanks): Someone who enjoys walks on the beach at sunset (whenever that will next be allowed), Iyengar yoga (who can figure out how to tune into a Zoom remote class while the yoga studios are closed), someone who doesn’t think Oprah and Deepak are too “WooWoo” and who, when given the option, enjoys Peet’s coffee over Starbucks. Someone who also enjoys being alone most of the time but pops out occasionally to be social. Someone who enjoys the quiet over the chaos – and has figured out how to make delicious desserts for vegan eaters. Not that I am one – but I would love to learn how to make yummy pies with avocados. Are you present to your gifts and the things that fill your soul which bring joy to other people?
Someone who enjoys _______________(fill in the blank): Randy Rainbow’s brilliant videos, Graham Norton, TCM, The Crown and Stephen Colbert – and is very concerned that Mitch McConnell is voted out in November and is unseated by Amy McGrath. Someone who is smart, kind, generous and funny.
On a side note, _______________(fill in the blank) – (but of utmost concern in a “don’t sweat the small stuff”- kind of way) – you will not be turned off by some of the things we are no longer able to keep up with (Including, but not limited to): haircuts, eyebrow, mustache and bikini waxing, mani/pedi’s, highlights and hair-coloring, facials, Botox, Pilates and gym workouts and other accepted social grooming which may be on-hold for a long while. These are extravagant expenses which we may no longer be able to afford unless the government subsidies continue to float in – or we will have to pick and choose those which feels most necessary for our self-esteem – which will obviously be a different priority for everyone. Just to reassure you, I always bathe and never leave the house without lipstick. _______________(fill in your preferences).
I’m not suggesting rushing back to an ‘au natural’ look in a Woodstock/ Birkenstock/Patchuli kind-of-way…just adjusting to taking less Selfies and Face-Time videos because we can’t stand how ragged we look while trying to adjust to the anxiety-induced, sleep-deprived new reality which kind of hampers making a charming first impression. The upside, (if there is one), is that maybe we will SEE each other as we really are – and when we are able to ramp it up, the façade we were anxious to return to may seem less important than our original, “virtual” connection.
Not sure if you care or not, _______________(admit your biggest concern). – but I have never colored my hair which seems to get grayer and longer every passing day. Most people love my hair as my grey is well distributed and has a cool look to it, along with my blue glasses which attract people’s attention without my having to do a thing. I can no longer get to my hairdresser for the foreseeable future as he’s 85 and I would feel horrible if I was responsible for his health and safety just to satisfy my vanity. As is evident, we all have to do our part and take one for the team. I’ll just get my nail and craft scissors out if I have to do some emergency bang snipping.
But come to think of it, you know, Rapunzel knew a thing or two about letting down her hair. Climbing up one’s balcony for a clandestine face-to-face meeting pressed against the sliding glass door might have a future appeal. Remember Dustin Hoffman in “The Graduate” banging on the glass door shouting, “Elaine…Elaine…!” as Katherine Ross is about to say her vows? Look how effective Max & Mel Brooks recent U-Tube video was when it went viral last week. “Keep your distance. Don’t be a spreader.”
Of course, I’d sincerely hope that if you choose to swipe left or swipe right – (depending on which is your dominant hand), you not do so without first applying a generous pump of Purell or any other hand sanitizer you have been lucky enough to procure. I forgot to mention _______________(space for omissions) that I’m not that into day drinking (or night drinking for that matter) – but Matcha Lattes and a good hot chocolate can keep me wound up for hours.
As for any future sexual chemistry, you do realize that we would not be able to touch each other’s faces, lips, eyes or hair for months. Close proximity is banned although I’m not sure about showering together because I think we supposed to change out of our clothes the minute we get home and take a hot shower to disinfect ourselves from the outside. Lathering up in latex gloves and singing two rounds of “Happy Birthday, Mr. President” in a sexy Marilyn Monroe voice (so we don’t touch our faces) sounds, well…a little kinky. Only the sound of your voice and the power of your thoughtful and provoking texts will be magical and love-stirring. I hope you are a word wizard. It’s actually sexy when men or women have a way with words and care about typos when wooing. _______________(insert your own fantasy concern).
I would also appreciate someone who has their trust, beneficiaries and advance care directive organized. Having a Pink POLST form filled out is so reassuring.
On a personal note, _______________(insert whatever extra personality traits would really be useful) someone who is organized and who can calm me down when I spin out (who also enjoys handling travel research, booking airline tickets and reading fine legal print) is a plus+. If you’ve been divorced, I hope you have a great relationship with your ex and/or your kids. That takes a ton of stress off the table and helps move into a healthier next emotional chapter for everyone. But what would really impress me is anyone who has mastered the art of folding a fitted sheet, Marie Kondo style _______________(whatever would impress you).
I hoping you are staying safe at home and keeping your imagination ignited. Looking forward to connecting at a future date when our country is not on lockdown and life support.
_____________________________________
Fill in Your Name here and contact info here.
(Feel free to amend as necessary for your own preferences)