As we roll into Christmas in a couple of weeks – and in the aftermath of the horrendous Los Angeles/Bay Area fires that ravaged and swallowed up whole towns, I have been in a reflective mood and somewhat, isolated state (aside from last week’s beautiful CRAFTY CASTER Event).
A malaise has been setting in – a protective aura/numbness has encircled my body like a chalk outline in a crime scene…. I think it’s a layer of grief, overwhelm and anticipated doom….
For me – as a generally upbeat (albeit curmudgeonly person), I espouse to be “present” – yet I find myself in past and future time and again…and am conscious of my avoidance to stay in the present emotional pain. Watching my 97-year old mother slow down, feeling grateful she is so in tact, so present, so vibrant…and at the same time – vulnerable, forgetful and so scared to die. Feeling the loss of her eventual passing, the huge task of dismantling her house that will occur, the feeling of overwhelm even though I have been cleaning and trying to organize things for years…there is always more and the piles continue. There are days when I cannot stand it. I am grateful that she tells me I am so loved, so special, so proud. Some days I can hear it and some days I have to get off the phone and return to my silence of my work. In the Briggs/Meyers assessment…I’m pretty much an INFJ…
I spend a lot of time thinking anyway — whether listening to memoirs, walking on the beach, meditating, watching people — their way of walking, their body language, looking for clues as to what is going on for them… the story their faces tell. Their private grief, their backstory, their challenges. Many never smile, make eye contact. It’s hard to connect. If I didn’t show up at art shows every week as my “job”, I would be a hermit – happily content in my apartment – playing with fabric, designing cards, creating new illustrations and organizing drawers. I can’t deal with small, idle, boring, useless conversation…I don’t have time for it. I want answers. I want clarity. I want connection.
For those lucky enough to be able to celebrate this holiday, we know many of us are conflicted — brimming with emotion, connection, love, guilt and gratitude for another year. So many changes have been bestowed upon us…some welcomed and some unwanted. What we continue to learn is that people STEP-UP in a crisis…and are generous in their hearts –as we are continually tested time and again. A heart-felt Thank You for however you choose to show up, give of yourself to support others—from supporting artists to supporting the world with your vision and your work.
For me, I know it feels overwhelming to feel like I am not doing ENOUGH. But I think any small step is enough. As a part-time caregiver for my mom who is almost 98, I am also at home a good portion of the time – prepping cards, designing, fulfilling orders, managing her financial life as well as mine. As much as I would like to “do more” – I try to do one thing a day that does not have to do with me. And that, at the end of the day, is actually ENOUGH. I may reach out to check in with someone, actually call to wish them a Happy Birthday (instead of just sending them a FB ‘Happy Birthday’, follow through on something I said I would send, read someone’s post on FB and comment on it — sending a handwritten note (which you think I would do more often as I have a car full of them) – often I want to and realize I don’t have your address in my phone and don’t have time to call you as I’m at a post office and am pressed for time…
One of my posts a couple of weeks ago was taken from a FB Greeting Card Group I am sometimes a part of – someone was talking about the connection that sending a greeting card makes…and she mentioned that one of her store owners refers to greeting cards as “PAPER HUGS.” Isn’t that sweet? Who can’t use some encouragement from receiving a PAPER HUG? You can even buy a great card at Trader Joe’s for just .99 cents! Although just today, Jennifer Williams just commented she sends my handmade cards when she needs “more than a card but less than a gift” to connect with someone. I was blown away by those words. They wrapped me up like a warm cashmere sweater.
After the fires a couple of weeks ago came a “help” request from Lisa Schultz (the owner/curator of The Whole 9 Gallery in Culver City). She was looking to collect (100) New or Great Condition towels for SHOWER of HOPE – a mobile Shower that shows up in neighborhoods for those needing to shower. They were going to go to Malibu to provide showers and deliver clean towels to residents who had to evacuate.
I opened my closet and took out (5) Bath Towels and dropped them off at the gallery. This was not some big bravado “Look what I did moment.” I used to have (3) bathrooms when I had our condo. Now that I’ve downsized to a small apartment, I’ve got extra towels I brought over and never use. It was a no-brainer. I have two towels left. One for my current use and one if I’m doing laundry or have as a guest back-up. When, if comes time when I need more towels, I can always buy more. Do I miss them? NO.
Two years ago a friend of mine had a severe “toaster” fire in her home in Topanga. I gave her a second set of very nice silverware I had and other things I had in my kitchen that I had duplicates of. Things I have had in garage sales that were too good to toss out and no longer needed for a party of one. Happy to have had them find a good home. We all have too much useless stuff in my opinion. Whenever I go the market or stores in general, I am genuinely overwhelmed by the full stock shelves these places have – this is just one store on this one street – the consumerism is so gross and out of alignment. When I multiply to the entire United States and how all of the clothing and food gets made…it’s really disturbing.
Last week, Mimi Mayer of Angel City Talent put out an APB for the Telfair School in the valley that has a very high proportion of homeless families and that she was on a mission to collect school & art supplies, clothing (Kids & adults), socks, backpacks, diapers, basic things for families in need. She had researched this school and wanted to make a difference in the lives of kids who should not have this kind of stress just going to school. The rally began. The FB posts, the drop-offs, the little soldiers on the street ready for their assignment to gather and organize. The Target runs…
Thank you to all my friends who are deep thinkers, do-ers, responders, creatives, funny inspirers — my personal happy band of thieves who make the world a merrier place in a world gone mad.
Keep spreading the laughter on those little moments where storytelling becomes the thing that helps shift the mood from uncertainty & chaos to one of comfort & connection.
Happy Holidays!
Elisa