Happiness is….
Living Your Life En Pointe!
I have a dear friend and colleague who LOVES “P” words. Lately, I’ve been having a hard time making decisions and moving through some of my life boulders (real or imaginary). Since I create ART on a daily basis and share my own life wisdom for moving through my own life’s challenges, here is an homage to my friend. Of course, I aim to propel myself forward with this story and hope the vision of my future unravels itself in a positive manner for you as well – should you encounter a snag in your life flow. The accompanying drawing is called ‘DEIRDRE’ and is one of my first illustrations of 2018!
I’ve recently finished listening to Jenny Blake’s “PIVOT – The Only Move that Matters is Your Next One.” While it is chock full of good ideas, listening to it on audio proved overwhelming and stressful – as the book’s wisdom was narrated so quickly, it was hard to absorb all the best practices, tips, tools that Jenny offers and, sadly, left me unraveled. Perhaps in print it is easier to take in because you can take notes and don’t have to remember everything you are hearing. Thankfully, however, she acknowledged the Buddhist Nun, Pema Chodron, and her perennial best-selling book, “When Things Fall Apart – Heart Advice for Difficult Times.” She quoted a line from her teachings about “sometimes we need to be willing to lean in to the sharp points.” As I was familiar with Pema Chodron (because I had seen her on an episode of Oprah’s “Super Soul Sunday”), I quickly downloaded the audio and inhaled her sagely advice about having compassion for our own humanity and peacefully trying to quell the incessantly harsh way we react to and see ourselves and our problems. I’m on my 4th listen in the last week and I have to say, it’s a Life-Changer!
PERCEIVED or REAL? Pema, as well as other mentors I’ve listened to, said we perceive our problems to be REAL – but, are they really? We create most of our own discomfort because we create a “story” around it to manage the problem. Unraveling that “story” which our ego has concocted is important to see the situation in a better light. Why are we consciously (or unconsciously) creating emotional pain? In my case, I think it is fear of the financial unknown, having a scarcity mentality around creating abundance and the fear of potentially being emotionally and financially responsible for a family member for the next 30 years. In reality, I’m having a hard time vision planning for things I can’t control. Of course, our current political landscape does not help to bring a sense of calm, safety and sanity into my thinking. “What/If’s” abound and leave me panicked and perplexed!
PIVOT – how to SHIFT one’s perspective. With regard to my own life wisdom, looking at a problem with a fresh pair of eyes is being able to access the ability to shift or pivot any amount, in order to reorganize the landscape of looking at a problem with new insight. As someone wisely said, “You can’t steer a parked car.” This is a way to unpack the situation into smaller, visual chunks.
For those who are not familiar with my work – my late husband Ken lost the ability to SEE, due to complications from squamous cell skin cancer. He had been on anti-rejection medication for a kidney transplant for 28 years which, unfortunately, in his case, had unusual consequences. As he was treated at the Jules Stein Institute in Los Angeles, I became obsessed with drawing EYES – while trying to understand why this illness was in our lives. What Were We Not SEEING? The positive messages that now accompany my whimsical Art allow people to observe their lives in areas that are not in perfect alignment with where they want to be. Over the last 10 years I have found my passion through this medium of creative expression and grief therapy – which keeps me grounded and in gratitude that I’m able to share our story. But as the teacher is oft-times the student, I need to purposely follow my own advice.
The PITS – is how I feel when I know I have to have a difficult conversation or deal with something I don’t want to explore. The stomachache and butterflies leads to procrastination and internal conversations playing out of what I’d say and how I might handle myself. Any amount of distraction is usually present: eating, social media grazing, watching TV, cleaning, reading, taking a walk, playing Words with Friends, trying to draw. This stems back to my childhood when my often, blunt, “skewed” verbal revelations were met with dismissal or misunderstood. My throat chakra usually gets tight when I have to speak up and I usually start crying. My current personal, “This is the Pits” project has been procrastinating and often feeling powerless about how to move forward with a reverse mortgage for my mom’s house or whether to lock in a “sale on paper” to her neighbor at a future unknown date for a fixed sale amount. The risks and rewards of both I find daunting and scary – with the fear of the unknown keeping me stuck, unproductive and in overwhelm. Engaging many concerned and trusted advisors who want the best for us – it still comes down to me to sort it out, study it and interpret the data. Redoing Power of Attorney documents, and reading years of various versions of Trusts is on my short list of Things I Hate So Much while screaming “Kill Me Now! Ashamedly, I admit, this behavior is not too pretty!
PROCRASTINATE – Another fantastic resource who randomly propelled herself into my life last year is the wonderful Mel Robbins’ – author of “The 5-Second Rule” (and no relation to Tony Robbins in case you were wondering). Mel’s personality and words of wisdom are absolute gems and the way she spoke had such clarity and confidence it was infectious! She literally had me at “HELLO.” I discovered her book and teachings by accident on Audible while downloading someone else’s book. Mel is a powerhouse of energy and wisdom – with a no-nonsense self-bullshit detector, which is refreshing and so relatable. Given the chance, without Mel Robbins’ sagely “5-4-3-2-1 (5) Second Rule” – I would surely procrastinate even more. She teaches that when you have an instinct to take action, you literally have 5 seconds to MOVE or your pre-frontal cortex will kill your impulse to move forward and follow-through on your ideas. Your brain will literally talk you out of doing something that initially inspired you. She says all procrastination is really about Stress – and when we procrastinate – we are just trying to manage our stress level. It’s easy to commit to doing one small thing to move forward every day. Example: The other day, I opened my mom’s bill from her lawyer that I was dreading for the last 10 days. The bill was less than I anticipated and then I patted myself on the back and drew a sigh of relief. I felt brave that I just sucked up my fears of avoiding the inevitable with stressed anticipation. Checked it off the “To-Do List and had a “Yay for Me” moment. (Ya gotta count the small wins even if they seem ridiculous!). Sometimes, I look myself in the mirror and tell myself I’m amazing and congratulate myself for the hurdles I overcame that particular day.
PILOT – try something fresh out. Test and tweak. Balance and rebalance. Take what works, what innovates and excites and leave some space for new ideas to percolate forward. Pace yourself.
PERCOLATE – brainstorm and talk myself in and out of possible scenarios. Watch cool ideas take shape. I am so grateful to my brain for its unending gift of playful non-perfection. Our lives, situations, thoughts are always shifting and the sooner we get Zen about that, the happier we will be. Aiming for Perfectionism has alot of judgment around it. And judgment gets in the way of standing in our Power. I just finished Gabrielle Bernstein’s, “JUDGMENT DETOX”. She advocates that judgment, shame and blame are shadow-side wounds that have not been healed from our past. She blends Kundalini Yoga, EFT (Emotional Freedom Techniques (Tapping), meditating and journaling, as well as integrating the wisdom from her spiritual teachers: Marianne Williamson (“The Course in Miracles”), and the late Dr. Wayne Dyer. She speaks slowly and deliberately so you can really absorb her message. Worth a listen more than once.
PROPEL -5-4-3-2-1! Launch myself out of paralysis and do what scares me. Do (1) small thing every day to move the needle of your project forward, thanks to Mel!
PRESENTATION – can you make a case for your argument? Can you be creative? Map out your thoughts feelings with a vision board? Cut words and phrases out of magazines. Cut and paste yourself a new positive outcome. Using color, creativity, and a version of collage can be mentally peaceful and always remember it does not have to be perfect.
PLOPPING myself on the couch, I immersed myself in several good mysteries. Unknowingly at the time, and in my recent distraction phase, I inhaled the last three of Jacqueline Winspear’s, best-selling “MAISIE DOBBS” novels. The immersion into these detective stories with her WW2 plots, coupled with seeing “The Darkest Hour” about Winston Churchill’s brave decision to have Britain enter WW2, helped unravel the problem about the Reverse Mortgage and/or selling my mom’s house to the neighbor. This, in turn, allowed me to see that another solution existed – whereby I could potentially integrate both! It was actually a perfect resolve to the mental anguish that had been plaguing my mind for months. It was if my distraction had an inner-investigative intuitive purpose! The Universe gives us clues! Please pay attention!
PRESCRIPTION – as in, give myself a prescription for my own mental wellness. What can I do to insure good self-care when I’m feeling emotionally pressed? Extra Sleep, yoga, walking, meditation, eating good food, creating, journaling, taking hot baths, etc. Do encourage the space you live/work in to be as noise free as possible so you can think, but try not to isolate. I mentally spinout, but not at a spinning class as I don’t like to perspire. LOL!
PURPORT – I couldn’t have predicted or prepared that in the last year my mom would have had pneumonia, that her house would have had an influx of flies (due to a hole in the chimney (which resulted after the gazebo was taken down due to termite damage), that she would need several expensive car repairs, that her washer/dryer & refrigerator would break down and need to be fixed, that we were told we might have to spend $1200 to potentially replace the major front door lock & keys to her 100 year old house (luckily we found the right locksmith who understood the problem and fixed it for $100), that all three bathrooms/showers had issues with leaking (resulting in major plumbing, opening walls and subsequent contractor bills), that the plumber would also have to remove mud from under the house where water was stagnant in the tiniest of crawl spaces, that my mom would be slapped with a surprise DWP assessment of $2500 from a broken water meter they discovered 6 months into last year, that my sister’s health insurance would be going up $200/month, that there would be sick feral cats and a rabbit who died, a major hole in the garage roof that we don’t have money to fix and a neighbor making a request to trim a tree overhanging on his property – all sucking up a tremendous amount of cash on a monthly basis that has had me scrambling to figure out how to pay. I just tell people who are expecting to be paid anytime soon to “Please, get in line.” Luckily, they love my mom and understand.
Every week and every month has been a financial panic attack for me. I cannot sell her house because she’s 97 and it’s too costly to move her and my sister to a smaller living situation because of excessive capital gains at 33%. Beyond perplexing, I always find myself asking: “WHY is this is happening?” Is it a sign from the Universe telling me we need a major Pivot? I have felt as if I have been in a financial prison of sorts. This is what it feels like when I am scared to make a wrong move. As a customer recently said to me – “There are no wrong decisions. At least you have options. When you don’t keep the ball moving, you can run out of options. Just make a decision and you can course-correct later and pivot on your next decision.”
PREMEDITATE – Thinking of all of the probabilities and try to move the chess pieces around in my mind. Of course I don’t play chess, so I call my realtor friend Sean who is a chess master — and he helps me unravel my panic “what/if’s”… Mel Robbins’ suggests putting an ‘anchor thought’ in place so you can mentally propel yourself into the future and see the outcome you expect to experience. An example of a “what/if” anchor thought for me might be: Should I anticipate, prepare and anguish over having to spend $20,000 (that we don’t currently have) and put in a handicap shower and move my mom’s bedroom downstairs and spend money to fix up the back room now for a caregiver before something happens – because IF something were to happen, then I wouldn’t have the time to put all of that in place as it would take (6+) weeks. Currently she is fully functional, totally comfortable in her room upstairs and doesn’t need to be moved downstairs as if she is an invalid – which she is nowhere near being. By adding a future remodel into my already overwhelmed brain (that is trying to handle the current money scenario) adds to my stress level in a way that makes another large project too big to take on/consider/think about. That’s a huge “What/If.” Anchor thought: “Our money situation will be resolved soon and I then can thoughtfully sort out the best plan of action and make intelligent decisions so that I don’t feel unnecessarily panicked or rushed.” This, then, allows me to take a breath and exhale.
PEACEFUL – what would that scenario look like if given a chance to have a peaceful pursuit? What would my life look life if that financial monkey were off my back? As my financial planner and older sister often remind me – What would be the best, easiest outcome possible for ME? I meditate for a more productive and powerful way to get through the day and stay present and try not get too far into the minutia of the perceived problems. Easier said than done.
PANACEA – when all this is resolved and settled – I will be so pleased with myself that I made it through! I’m already feeling stronger and more powerful. I spoke to the neighbor tonight and he told me that I didn’t need to overcomplicate things. To just tell him what I needed and be straight with him and he would do everything possible to get me what I needed. Real estate and law is not my area (and he’s in real estate and law). Because I had done so much inner work and outer work in the number crunching department, I could speak to him on the fly, without my notes and when I raised the price of the house $100K from his offer, he actually said I was a good negotiator! I found that hilarious! (To be fair I came down $100K from my initial price). But I had just spent the last couple of nights prepping a letter to him with possible scenarios –so I felt prepared to have a conversation instead of avoiding it and it has the potential to pay off! Phew!
This article has been a Spiritual Assignment of sorts and a POSITIVE exercise for me to put down on paper some of the things my mind grapples with in understanding my own behavior and my own process of how I use my spiritual and wisdom mind to get unstuck. I think it’s helpful to have tools in your toolkit that you can reach for when you feel underwater. Whether it’s listening to Oprah’s “SUPER SOUL SUNDAY,” journaling, taking walks on the beach, meditating, talking it out with people you trust, making a vision board, dancing, yoga, reading/listening to inspiring books, writing or talking to yourself in the mirror. Give yourself a pep talk and pat yourself on the back when you accomplish something that helps boost your confidence and empowers you to keep going!
I hope this is helpful. Wishing you a perfectly wonderful and fantastic day!
Elisa R. Goodman
Author of “Life’s Too Short to Spend with Assholes” & “Life’s too Short NOT to Get Your Ass Out of Bed and Go to Yoga!
Artist/Illustrator/Designer of The I’M SKEWED COLLECTION – Witty Words. Quirky Art. Wise Wisdom.
www.curmudgeoncards.com & www.lifestooshortbooks.com